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State of the Ass July, 2017

WTF have I been doing for seven months?

Really. What the F**k have I been doing?! I sure as hell haven’t been posting to, my flagship website. Nor have I really been posting to, my author site. So what HAVE I been doing?

Well I’ll tell you. Not that you asked.

At the beginning of the year, I ended up in charge of my team at work when our lead went into labor some two months early. Yeah I wans’t prepared. Not emotionally at least. I mean it isn’t as if I hadn’t been a team lead before, and I’ve been pretty good at it – I thought at least. But apparently I was … sufficient but not exemplary at my tenure of replacing my team lead. And you know what? I agreed with that assessment. I was nervous and angry and overworked the entire time, and then JUST as I was starting to feel comfortable (some 3 months later), my boss returns and … then I had nothing to do. A big pile of NOTHING. It was a stinking pile of nothing too. I was seriously down for a whole week. That sucked.

About a month later I went to see my doctor to get checked out for ADD or maybe anxiety because I’ve known something was up for years, but most recently I’ve found it terribly difficult to concentrate. And then when I’d get home, I wouldn’t work on my writing or anything … I’d just play video games until way too late and then drag myself to bed only to dread getting up in the morning. I knew I was avoiding work, but I didn’t know why. I mean I love my job, still do even after the rotten day I’ve had and a certain realization that’s led me to believe I need to go somewhere else. I love my job. Anyway, the doc sent me to a psychiatrist because as he said, he could give me something that day, but since many mental illnesses have very similar symptoms, it was probably best for a specialist to take a look under the hood. I agreed.

I’m not one to flee from mental health issues. Your brain chemistry is very specific and fragile. An iron will cannot help you out when you have certain illnesses any more than it would help you walk with a broken leg. Sure maybe if you were a big strong man you COULD walk with that bone sticking out of your leg, but it is probably best you don’t, at least for a while. So I went.

Good news everyone. I have depression!

So I got meds.

I thought I was doing good after a month. I’d had a string of “up” days. So many in a row that I thought I was starting to feel the effects of the drugs. I was wrong. I was just having some comparatively good days. After two months I really started to see a change. My appetite was decreasing. I was starting to be able to focus. And the best thing ya’ll, the best thing was that I didn’t feel like I was walking around wearing a lead coat all the time. In fact, I could FEEL more emotions than just the extremes or nothing. My days started to balance out. I could enjoy just sitting and not doing anything but breathing. After what must have been years of a slow and steady decent into depression, a depression that happened so slowly that I didn’t really notice that my lows were getting lower every time and my highs were not quite as high as before, I was myself again. After having a pretty bad day at work about a month ago, I realized that the day didn’t end with me spiraling into a darker and darker place. I just went home and decompressed. That’s when I finally realized that my prior depression filled good days, were actually worse than my normal bad days. How the fuck does that happen?

Yeah, I don’t know. But it can and it does. So if you ever suspect you aren’t yourself, and it’s lasted for more than two weeks, go to the doctor and say something. Don’t try walking on that compound fracture. That’s just silly.

So what else happened?

Oh yeah, during this time I finished the rough draft of my novel.

Yeah I know, bury the lead.

So I’m doing revisions now, and I’ve got to say, I’m fucking terrified again. I mean everyone KNOWS that rough drafts are shit, but a revision is supposed to be better. At some point (maybe revision four or forty, I’m not sure) this thing is supposed to start to verge on good. Considering that I haven’t ever actually done that on a novel level, this is new fucking territory.


Fucking shit.

I mean, damn. What the flying fuck?


Like … really.


So somewhere in the past several months I’ve also started drawing again. I’ve read a few books (audio books mostly since I have a 30-45 min commute one way). I cut my hair. It had grown for about a year and was starting to get in my mouth. Ew. I’ve started crafting dungeon terrain. (Think 3D dungeon tiles for DnD if you know what I’m talking about). The family went to PAX South early in the year, and my daughter and one of her best friends got to meet one of their heroes, TheOdd1sOut. He seems like a cool d00d. I visited my family and my wife’s family, and I feel like there’s something really cool that we did but I can’t quite think of it right now.

Lack of preparation for the win, yo!

I’ve also recently started a new routine to build good habits. I think they failed in the past largely due to the depression combining with my natural laziness. My will power has often been strong enough to get me over one of those two at a time, but rarely both. So now that I’m on drugs (YEAH!) I will have to give up that excuse. I’ll just be lazy if I don’t do my stuff, I guess. Yay. It could be worse. I could be forcing myself to learn better grammar.

Anyway, that’s my past several months. You’re caught up now.

Go away.

Just not forever.


© 2017, Joe Little. All rights reserved.