Now we’ve been exchanging roles for quite a while, sometimes due to need and sometimes due to the pure simple joy of being “bad”. Now during the course of swapping roles we’ve swapped gear here and there. Generally I tend to think that this gear swapping has been temporary. While a man is doing a lady role, he often uses lady gear. While a lady is doing a man role, she often uses man gear. It is all very understandable – probably more so than the idea of lady roles and man roles in this day and age, but I digress. Somewhere along the way we’ve become quite used to using each other’s gear.

One example is bathroom soap. Here you can see how I came to this observation now. When I was growing up the manliest of soaps was Lava while the ladies used Lux. You knew Lava was for men because they ground up volcanoes and put it in the soap. Volcanoes! Lux soap on the other hand had no crushed rock in it. In fact you could buy Lux in powder form, that’s just one step away from being a liquid. Lava smelled like a forest. Lux smelled like flowers. I’m not pointing these things out to try to illustrate how much better or worse men or women are to the other, just that during one point in my life men and women had distinctly separate gear.

Fast forward thirty plus years and while Lava is still around, men are about as likely if not more to use something called a Shower Gel. Shower Gel doesn’t have ground rock in it. In fact at least one Shower Gel smells like chocolate. At the risk of sounding sexist, men should NOT smell like chocolate. Well, not everyday at least, and certainly not ALL over. I won’t say how I know this, but many Shower Gels have scents not based on the forests but rather fruits and sometimes even vegetables. Fruits and vegies may not be flowers, but they also aren’t very foresty either. I also won’t admit that I realized that previous bit while using a luffa.

Now some of you will probably say something like, “But Bruce Campbell/Isaiah Mustafa uses my shower gel”. I can understand why you might not think you are using a lady soap, but you are wrong. These men are simply very manly men who advertise for a lady soap. Ok, Old Spice isn’t a lady product in general, but shower gels are. Sorry for the harsh reality check. If you use a shower gel and feel the need to man up, go get some Dove bar soap. Dove bar soap is manlier than any shower gel. Why is this such a revelation? Because the soap is called Dove! (Dove is a lady word).

So in conclusion, we all use lady soap now. Maybe this is for the best. I know after a day of being me, I often smell pretty rough while my wife seems to be smell not so rough. Granted it could be because her lady soap works better than my “man soap”, or it could be because I sit all day in a methane cloud of my own creation. I don’t know. What I do know is that I need to get some Lava.

© 2011, Joe Little. All rights reserved.

What I will do here is to complain about the process of politics! I think that I can make THAT entertaining, and I think we can all agree that the process as it stands sucks.

So here’s the deal. I could easily take a stance, pick one, any one. The general discourse today would be for me to state my opinion, throw a lot of facts, pseudo-facts and outright lies out at you, and then do some sort of written power move that equates to me saying, “Your ass just got served”.

Now if you happen to hold opinions similar to mine own you’d probably overlook all of my pseudo-facts and outright lies and fixate squarely on the facts I’ve presented. Additionally you may comment to whatever I may have said and add your own facts, pseudo-facts, and outright lies. You may also present supposition and hearsay as if it were fact. After all, even a blind squirrel finds a nut on occasion.

If you happen to hold opinions that differ from mine own you’d probably overlook all of my facts and concentrate exposing on my lies and making my pseudo-facts appear to be outright lies. Additionally you may comment to whatever I may have said and add your own counter facts, counter pseudo-facts, and counter outright lies. You may also present supposition and hearsay as if it were fact as well.

Personal attacks will ensue on everyone living and dead.

Now after a while a trend will form that will show support for one side or the other. Some will take this trend to mean that a majority of Americans, or a majority of the Intarweb, or a majority of readers agree with whatever side the trend favors. They are of course, wrong. The trend means that the majority commenters have out commented the minority commenters with regard to the current post. In clearer terms, the trend means … wait for it … absolutely nothing. And yet some news organizations will report the trend.

Now at this point I should introduce the fact that someone will inevitably throw their religion or their prejudice against a (or any) religion in the mix as well. This inevitability is one of the founding aspects of the Universe. God, Buddha, and Darwin all agree on this matter. The science and dogma have been written and/or proven, so of course there is no more discussion on the topic. Ever. Because when we know we are right we close our minds.

I SAID EVER!

There are other tangents to throw into the mix as well. All of which are distractions. In fact too often the entire topic at hand is a distraction from some fundamental political topic that if the general populace were to realize then those in control might find themselves retiring from their positions of power, wealth, and influence to their lifetime pensions and paid health care a tad early. What was it I said about corruption? Oh nothing. It was in hover text so it doesn’t count.

Oh crap. That reminds me. Since when have we started to allow politicians, heck anyone outside of sixth grade, to get away with splitting hairs as finely as politicians do now? Hell I bet nanotubes were discovered when politicians started splitting hairs so finely they found they could build light-weight superstructures out of their compounded lies. Sorry, not lies. Promises. Misstatements. Dithering. Flip flopping. Lies.

Let me take this moment to point out the only reason that I’m not insanely mad at the entire process that I must scream is that I’m currently grooving to “Kalimba” from the album Ninja Tuna by Mr. Scruff. Yeah that’s right, I groove. Additionally I would like to point out that ridiculously-compounded sentences AND one sentence paragraphs do in fact rule.

Now back to topic.

Mind you I call out everyone on this. EVERYONE! None of you are exempt, and not even I. That is why I don’t do politics. We are too much of a Us vs. Them, Home vs. Away, Red vs. Blue, and Adventurer vs. Goblin – society. Additionally we all have our favorite topics, people, and/or ideas that we turn a blind eye towards. Many of us, if not all, additionally have our favorite topics, people and/or ideas to attack. Combine these two natures with the tendency of people to almost always think that they or their own are smarter/more capable to know right from wrong than anyone else and frankly any discussion is doomed. DOOMED!

It is due to the above observations that voting has forever been tainted for me. I do continue to vote anyway because for at least a short period every couple of years I can delude myself into thinking I’m making a difference.

Now as tainted as voting might be for me, media coverage of anything political is all the more tainted. I trust the media (pick an outlet, any outlet) about as far as I trust those curbside proctologist exams that homeless guy gave me back in ’02. You know a proctology tangent is an apt divergence for this topic. Painful proctology.

Anyway, if you’ve ever wondered why I don’t do politics here (or go to the proctologist anymore) now you know. In the end, it’s just too painful.

© 2011, Joe Little. All rights reserved.

Joy.

© 2011, Joe Little. All rights reserved.

I come to this conclusion because after a few months of relative silence I’ve come back to the site, and I’ve fallen in love with it (and me) all over again. Damn, I’m good. Well at the very least I’m entertaining. (Do NOT do your research here! Like the government I’ve told you all you need to know. You will know the frequency of my posts and entertainment quality when you buy my eventual book.)

I often wonder how it is that someone like me could garner so few readers, and I’ve come to the conclusion that my problem is humility. I’m simply way too humble, and I think you people realize that simple truth. So while we all now agree I’m not quite capable of self-promotion due to my utter lack of arrogance, it is then ultimately YOUR fault I don’t have more readers.

Really people! Get off your asses and get people to this site to read what I have to say. Didn’t you see what I wrote earlier about me being a really entertaining writer? (I’m not going to say GOOD writer because that implies technical expertise, and well frankly, I can only pull your leg so far without breaking the suspension of belief that you have been so kind as to provide me over the almost dozens of posts I’ve thrust upon you).

So now I charge all of you to go out into that crazy world of ours and each point at least one new person to this site. One person. That’s not so hard is it? Heck today I caused two people to visit my site damn near accidentally. I’m not even trying to sell anything (here, yet). There are no ads (yet), no self promotion (*cough*), and absolutely no pictures of my private parts (thank God! for some good sense). Then when the person that you point here ultimately says, “Wow funny guy” you can tell that person, “Yeah and he’s really humble too”. Your friend will be all the more impressed. That is when you pounce! Get that person to also get at least one more person to read the blog, and so on, and so on, and so on, and reference to really old commercial here. If you actually manage THAT Herculean task, I suggest you also attempt to sell some Amway to said individual, because come on – when you have sucker that big on the hook, you gotta milk it for all it is worth.

© 2011, Joe Little. All rights reserved.

© 2011, Joe Little. All rights reserved.

Oh! What’s even better is that the whole process isn’t sexy at all. Where are all the scantily dressed hookers? The flamboyant pimps? The tough grizzled cons? The rich murderesses with straight scarlet hair and legs up to there? Nowhere!!! In reality it seems most perps are young thugs that don’t know when to walk away. Even the druggies and alkies are really just kinda sad and not entertaining at all. Hell even the female cops make Cagney and Lacey seem steamy. I will say the guns are sexy. I only saw one gun in my purgatory of waiting, but even an ugly gun is sexy.

Everyone was really nice, sure, or at the very least businesslike. I think that’s because the whole thing is a business. Our bail bondsman was a young black guy with the voice of a grizzled old white guy. It was really cool to experience, and he was really nice. There was another bondsman there too, an older white guy who should have had the voice of the young black guy. So that I don’t have to type young black guy and older white guy anymore, I’m going to call them Slim (ybg) and Hoss (owg). If Slim’s voice was any indication of who should have appeared that night, he should have been tall, slim, Caucasian, and had skin tough as leather. He would have stark white hair and been more than three score years of age. He could even have worn a bandanna in a manner that said “all man” and not “trying too hard”. If Hoss’s voice had a little stronger twang to it and if he wore cowboy boots and hat maybe with one of those giant WWE belt buckles, he would have been 100% Texan. He was also a really nice guy. I think you have to be a nice guy to work in that business due to always coming to someone’s aid when the person you are helping may not exactly be the best of people. In the end though, who are the best of people? We all have those friends and family that seem to never be able to get things straight, and more often than not we somehow tolerate those actions, marginalizing the actions to some degree if not outright denying that the person could ever do such a thing. Maybe working in that business casts a little additional light onto what it is to be involved in the Human condition. Or maybe being really nice is how you get repeat business. Guess which one I’d like to believe in and which one I do.

© 2010, Joe Little. All rights reserved.

On top of all the lies, I hurt. Yeah as I’ve detailed in my now famous post Shins Are For The Weak, exercise hurts. But it was supposed to get better. I do BREATH a lot better I admit, BUT I WASN’T HAVING TROUBLE BREATHING!!! So as I write this you probably surmised that I’m naked, well fed, ignoring my wife’s advances, and sore from the knees down, but what you probably don’t know (and stop looking through my windows it you do) … (you bum-looker) is that I can’t raise my right arm over my chest! It just keeps getting better.

If there is a moral to my tale it is this: the people who extol the virtues of exercise are dirty liars! You know who don’t lie? People who say video games and beer is fun! Those guys rule! And I’d be one right now if I could raise the damned bottle up to my lips.

Well I’m off to bed. Maybe the wife will let me sleep.

© 2010, Joe Little. All rights reserved.

Anyway …

I rarely finish projects for more reasons than I care to admit. I’ll admit to the easy stuff … I’m lazy and I get distracted easily. SQUIRREL! There is a whole OTHER side to finishing projects (or NOT in this case) and I think that side is presented nicely in the short animated commentary included below. Enjoy.

© 2010, Joe Little. All rights reserved.

My shins hate the game so much that they furiously complain, sometimes for days at a time, any time I’ve played. Yes and my shins seem to complain SO much that my ankles and feet throw in a little latter too. I think they get annoyed by how much the shins complain and misery LOVES company so they just go along for the ride. My knees occasionally complain but not too loudly or for too long. On rare occasion that asshole, my back, has to jump on board as well. Jerk.

I’m convinced that if my shins would STFU everyone else would too. Stupid shins. If they didn’t force my knees and ankles to work together to keep my fat arse several feet above the ground at all times I’d just be through with them all together.

Well some how we’ll have to come to some agreement cause I’m not quitting racquetball. Unfortunately I fear that agreement is that as long as I play, my shins will scream. Stupid shins.

Shins are for the weak.

© 2010, Joe Little. All rights reserved.

One segment from a recent show got me thinking. The segment was about an artile by Steven Crowder about Abstinence. Now I don’t care if anyone agrees or disagrees with Steven’s article. I’m interested in the debate that was sparked on the show. Please watch and then I’ll explain my thoughts.

So the majority of the debate is between Amy Schumer and Steven Crowder. To me, Amy seems personally offended by Steven’s piece and her way of expressing her objections to the piece is emotional. Moreover she seems she tries to attack the message but ends up going for Steven instead. Steven seems to try to remain less emotional, but I kind of get the vibe he doesn’t know how to react to the way Amy is expressing herself. He also seems to lash back at Amy but in a very passive-aggressive manner, trying to get the others to reel Amy in when his arguments seem to fail on her. I find Amy’s reaction interesting not because I disagree with her (because I don’t necessarily), but because I think it illustrates how we as Americans are; rather than debate issues we argue, we get emotional, and we attack the people on the “other side”.

Why do we do this? I think it is largely because of two things: 1) Americans feel entitled (surprise). We don’t think anyone anywhere can tell us how we can think, what we can do, or how we can act WHILE at the same time we feel like we can turn around and do EXACTLY that to others. That’s the number 1 thing that p!sses me off about our culture. Anyway, I digress from my topic. 2) I think modern journalism has taught countless numbers of media drones to make every reader emotionally tied to the “victim” of whatever the journalist writes about regardless if there is an actual victim or not. I believe that it is this approach to journalism and politics that has driven us as a culture to become more emotional and less logical.

I’d like to see a wee bit more logic in our discourse as a people. Why must we attack the person and not the message? Often we completely write off people who say things that we find difficult to hear. We are ready, even eager at times to assume the worst about those that think differently than us, and while I think much of that is natural, we have also been conditioned in very small ways to look for injustices that can often be more contrived than real. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing in and of itself, but when we do it so often that we lose sight of our logic, compassion, and values then it is an issue. I ask that we each consider for ourselves what is really important and examine things more logically before attacking or condemning others. If you don’t, you’re no better than Hitler, Mussolini, or John Meyer.

© 2010, Joe Little. All rights reserved.