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Paranoia or Where Does This Crap Come From?!

I have an impressive imagination and an significant ability to connect dissimilar things including concepts. These two skills are not exactly always helpful especially when you combine them with a low self esteem and perfectionist nature. And not the cool OCD everything is always ‘just so’ kind of perfectionism, but the kind that says “hey you’re never going to do that right so don’t even start” kind. That kind sucks.

Anyway, these skills and flaws combine themselves in manners that produce paranoia or something akin to paranoia in me. Combined with my recovery from depression over the last year or two, and I’m looking back on my – everything – career, life, relationships with friends – everything, and I say to myself, “Shit. You f’ked up buddy. I bet people are pissed with you.” Then my imagination starts up my fuzzy logic module, takes some data from that, and presents it’s findings as “Yes sir. You’re f’ked.”

Well my low self esteem then kicks in and says, “It’s not like those people you’ve pissed off or let down ever really cared for you THAT much.” And the perfectionist says, “Yup. And you’re just going to screw up again in the future, so you might as well not even try to fix things.”

Well f’k.

Nah … I’ll spell that one out. Fuck.

So lately I’ve been wondering what to do. Should I take my family and flee everything that I know … or be brave and face the music of life? Honestly that would not be a difficult decision except my daughter has some close friends that we’d be leaving behind so – sigh – I think I’m stuck trying to “improve” my life.

The upside is that I’m learning all new ways of being miserable and none of them are nearly as horrible as the misery I was experiencing when I was in the middle of my depression and didn’t realize how miserable I was. I think that sentence is correctly structured. If not, you get what I mean. Or you should. You’re intelligent people. Probably.

So yeah. Paranoia. Yet another thing I wouldn’t wish on anyone else, and mine is exceedingly minor. I couldn’t imagine what this must be like for people who have lost the ability to distinguish between reality and imagination.

Hopefully I never will.

© 2018, Joe Little. All rights reserved.