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Why I Hate Wil Wheaton

Note: If you are looking at this post and thinking something along the lines of TL;DR, then scroll all the way to the bottom and read the last line. This has been a service of the Oh Yeah I’m Not Going To Read YOUR Post Either Guy.

Recently on Facebook a friend of mine called me a “hipster nerd”. Well I took offense. I am most certainly a nerd, but while I would have loved to have been a beatnik when I was a kid (forgive me, I was young), there is no way in Hell I’m going to allow someone to categorize me as a hipster. Those were fighting words! My friend explained the reason for his slanderous missive was ‘…You’re all like “Everybody hated Wil Wheaton when he was on Star Trek, so I liked him just to be ironic, but now everybody loves Wil Wheaton, so I hate him”.’ He was of course wrong. I explained myself and we parted friends once again despite him driving me to use all caps at one point.

Let me begin by stating that if you are reading this and you don’t know who Wil Wheaton is … well I got no hope for you. The best I can do is suggest you do some f’king homework and Google the man. No. Wait. Let me do that for you … Click on the following: Oh Joe! Please help me understand the mysteries of the internet. Who is Wil Wheaton? Was that so hard? I mean I have like ten readers that I am pretty sure I know personally. If you’re reading this and I DON’T know you … well let me say, “I’m sorry”. And perhaps, “If you think this is funny, you’re kinda messed up. Welcome!

ANYWAY, a few days later I was sitting in my office trying to prepare for a Pathfinder game on Roll20 that I’ll be DMing when I decided to watch episodes of TableTop to help me keep my attention. Yeah that really doesn’t make sense to me either. but I’m more productive when I’m either slightly distracted or SERIOUSLY pressured. Wil Wheaton is the host of TableTop. You don’t need me to Google THAT for you too do you? Ungh … geesh people/ To figure out what TableTop is click the following link: Please Mr. Joe show me the wonders of TableTop. You are king! While watching TableTop I ended up getting very little accomplished, but I laughed my ass off. So all in all that was a win, but it also got me to consider, “Why do I hate Wil Wheaton?” So I did a little soul searching and I included my findings below.

First of course was Wesley Crusher, a character portrayed by Wil Wheton. Man I hated Wesley. What? You don’t know who Wesley Crusher was. Seriously this is the last time. To find out who Wesley is click the following link: JOE! Give me a very helpful link! OK. So now that we will have no further interruptions, there was Wesley Crusher. I thought Wesley was cool. At first. He was a kid. On the Enterprise. Representing all of us kids that wished WE could be on a space ship exploring known and unknown universe! F’kin’ A! Then it became apparent that Wesley could do no wrong. I mean really, NO wrong. Even when he screwed up it was genius. Everyone including I started to hate him, and frankly it was kind of fun. I should have known better being one of the weird kids in school, but I WAS a kid when Star Trek: The Next Generation premiered. (Sixteen still classifies as being a kid right?) So I didn’t always make the best decisions. Eventually Wesley became a Q or something which you know … fit, and well f’k him.

After Wil left ST:TNG he seemingly feel into obscurity – to me at least. His IMDB page shows that he’s worked pretty routinely. Hell he’s worked in stuff I love. I’m looking at the IMDB page now and I’m kinda impressed. Wait. I’m talking about Hating Wil Wheaton, not being impressed by him. Damn it. So anyway, a few years ago this thing called the internet appeared and Wil had a blog or something. I’m of the general mindset that people that write blogs are idiots, total idiots, but I heard a lot of good things about his stuff so I went and checked out his site. His posts were often endearing and/or entertaining, so I would occasionally return. Some in the online community seemed to want to gold plate his turds. I didn’t think his stuff was THAT good, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

This brings me to my second thing … the thing that almost made my friend correct about me acting all “hipster”. Having been the weird kid in school, I tended to reject the things that other people liked. It kinda became my thing. Oakley sunglasses were “in” this year? F’k that. I’m wearing squinting. Izod all the rage? Wal-Mart Made in the USA brand t-shirts for me baby! Yeah so it might be important to also note that I was broke around this time. Pretty solidly broke. Like poor in a small town and too lazy to get a job so f’k it I’ll be stylish my own way kind of broke. Most people just called it being poor. Even after not being dirt poor anymore, that whole hating what is popular thing still rings with me on occasion. It is part of the reason why I hate Apple. That and their shit is expensive. The second part is the real sin though. Keep your iWhatever … I just got two PCs for about the same price. Can you LAN with yourself on that thing? NO? Well I got TWO computers and neither can I because they don’t have the right hardware! BUT I COULD IF I DID! NYAR! Anyway, so there is a small bit of not liking him because everyone else does, but that bit of pettiness is the smallest of several components of pettiness.

Then there comes Mr. Wheaton’s stance on politics and religion. Most of you who actually know me know that I usually try not to let this kind of stuff get to me. While being religious and somewhat conservative, I’m perfectly willing to accept everyone’s approach to life as long as they are genuinely good people who aren’t out to push themselves on others. Many of my friends are polar opposites of me in these two regards and yet I let them live. Erh … I mean I love them like the brothers and sisters that I’ve adopted them as. But there have been times that I’ve perceived Wil’s tolerance for religion and religious people to be almost violently negative. Violently is the wrong adjective to use. Maybe vehemently negative. When I encounter people who come across as potentially bigoted, I usually just remove that person from my life. There is no need to get all dramatic. I just won’t interact with that individual anymore. I won’t allow them to influence me in ways I’m not interested in developing. I’ll be polite and even helpful, but I won’t be attending their appendectomy recovery party. Now I’m CERTAIN most of my friends are at this point thinking something along the lines of “Wil’s sweet and loving! He’s not a bigot! You’re a poopy head!” That could certainly be true. I know I am in fact a poopy head so we’re half way there at least, and that is why I put emphasis on the word “perceived” earlier. This man could be (probably is) awesome. I will say I haven’t seen him at any APA (Awesome People Anonymous) meetings however. Wait crap. That’s supposed to be secret. Sorry APA folks!

Fast forward a few years and Wil’s on Twitter. (If you’d like his Twitter handle or don’t know what Twitter is, just click on the Very Helpful Link from before. It works for this too.) Once again friends tell me about how cool he is and how funny his Twitter feed is. So I follow him ’cause hey, I’m that kind of guy. I have no idea what “that kind of guy” IS, I just know that I’m one of them. After a few weeks of reading tweets and getting occasionally miffed at what I perceived as somewhat jerkish or arrogant tweets, I once again leave the Circle of Wheaton. For someone who’s motto is “Don’t be a dick,” I was often thinking, “What a dick”. Of course I’m a mindless churl so what do I know?

Faster forward a year or so and Wil’s on G+. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Meh. I decided at that point that I’ll let my friends filter out the best stuff and let me know about it.

Faster forward another few months or so and Wil’s on TableTop. This I can watch. He almost never makes me flinch while talking about gaming. TableTop could have been a turning point with my non-relationship with Wil Wheaton if it were not for the number ONE thing that keeps me HATING the jerk. Jealousy. Man! He does voice overs for animation and games (something I always dreamed of doing as a kid btw), he gets to play games, he’s RICH! (well at least from the perspective of the dirt poor teenager from rural MS that I was), and he got to hang out with {insert entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation except Wil Wheaton here} and currently gets to hang out with Felicia Day. If you don’t know who Felicia Day is I beg you to go away and never come back. Please. So yeah I’m jealous. That’s impressive too because I’ve learned to be happy and appreciative of the things I DO have. I feel honestly blessed on a daily basis, and yet I’m JEALOUS of WIL F’KING WHEATON! What a jerk he is for making me feel that way!

So now when I see him all I can think of is “That smarmy bastard!” Yeah I know it’s harsh. I’m sure he’s not a figurative or literal bastard, and I think his face might just be stuck in that constantly smarmy look all the time. It is like he’s got the answer to a joke or riddle that I don’t get but he does. I think the joke goes “I’m Wil Wheaton and you f’king aren’t!”

So yeah, I’m jealous. What a petty fool I.

© 2013, Joe Little. All rights reserved.