I’m a member (or perhaps more properly, a product) of Facebook. I basically joined Facebook because it seemingly was, and actually was, a better MySpace. I joined MySpace purely to keep in contact with my family. At the time I lived in South Mississippi and the majority of my family lived in North Mississippi. I hate phones. No that’s not ture, I hate calling people on phones and talking to people on phones. The internet I like. Instant messaging I like better. An almost completely anonymous system in which I can follow my friends and family wherein I don’t have to engage if I really don’t want to? Ohhhhhhh … I love that. And on top of it all said system reminds me of when people’s birthdays are? AND reminds them when MINE IS? Well, as a child of Christmas who’s birthday is rarely if ever remembered by even the closest of family until the day of his birthday, I can tell you that I’ve gotten more “Happy Birthdays” in two years of being on Facebook than I have counting the rest of my non-Facebook life. I seriously don’t think I’m making that up. Nor do I think that I’m bitter. AT ALL. No, I’m not upset that my little sister’s birthday was in the middle of the summer and that she got more gifts than I could shake my jealous pudgy fists at while I was relegated to just one Christmas-hold-over-present because “it would be unfair to get twice as many gifts as everyone else at Christmas time”. “But it’s not Christmas anymore! It’s my Birthday!” I’d scream into the night. Yes cute next door neighbor girl, that was me screaming into the night two days after Christmas every year. At least someone noticed.
So now that I’ve rehashed that old wound all over again for what I can guarantee will NOT be the last time, I can continue to discuss why Facebook is The Devil.
So you can see, I have some issues with communication. Now imagine, if you would, Facebook. Or better yet just go to Facebook and live it for a few days. I’ll be here waiting.
<voice style=”SpongeBob Narrator”>Several days later. </voice>
First of all, congratulations on giving away all rights to your identity for the rest of your life. Now you’ll never be able to unjoin FB, and even if you do manage to unjoin, you’ve probably given them the right to sell your soul. Well maybe not sell your immortal soul, but they now certainly now have the right to market your soul’s likes and status updates. Good on you, Sucker.
Now that you’re part of the cult, you can also start to do things like join Groups. Joining Groups in and of itself isn’t that horrible. Basically you’re signing up to get spam, but it’s your news feed so have atcha. Enjoy! Personally I love Spam. The “spiced ham” meat product is great sliced thinly, fried until it is sort of a molten brown color, and topped with mustard between two slices of bread. Eat hot. YUM! The other kind of spam makes me forget how alone and lonely I am. I’ve even considered changing my name to “Or Current Resident.” All of the spam mail would be mine. I’d be popular! Then I could also complain about how everyone is getting MY MAIL! I don’t like the middle name “Current” however, so I’ve never gone through with changing my name. Bonus points to anyone who knows my actual middle name.
Anywho, Groups aren’t bad to join, but your friends are joining Groups too. And you friends will undoubtedly find something in their multitude of Groups SO FUNNY or insightful or so freaking spamalicious (That is so a real word!) that they have to share. Some friends don’t know when to stop sharing though. On and on and on shared nonsense gets added to your news feed. You know that important family thing that just happened? NO! You don’t know! You don’t know because someone spammed his friends with so many “Send this to 10 people or an angle will kill this child needing a heart transplant” or “<insert random cliche over a cute image>” posts that your interesting items are pushed to the bottom of a freaknormously (That is so a real word!) deep spam pit that you’ll need Deepcore II to read it! What do you mean, “Deepcore II?”? Deepcore II! Yes. That’s a reference. No, I will NOT tell you to what! You have the entire internet at your fingertips. Look it up! I will provide a very helpful link however. CLICK ME I’M HELPFUL!
Another horrible aspect of Facebook is the multitude of casual games. Don’t get me wrong, I love casual games, but the VAST MAJORITY (a scientific measurement) of the games on FB require that you spam your friends to get them involved. So to complete some asinine quest you have to become an ass. I know that I’m an ass, but that doesn’t mean I like everyone to KNOW it. Well not on FB anyway. This guarantee that you’ll never finish a game (assuming you aren’t or don’t wish to appear to be an ass that is). It also guarantees that you’ll get invited to every game-du-jour that comes along several times! EACH! It’s a beautiful thing. Even if a game doesn’t require you to spam friends, it will probably have micro-transactions. Like spam, I’m OK with a small number of micro-transaction options, but almost all of the FB games I’ve ever played make it impossible for you to advance beyond a certain point without making micro-transactions or spamming friends. There’s one son of a bit-ch (Get it? [Computer] bit + bitch = bit-ch) game I’ve played that gets really hard without the special power-ups the game has which are For Sale (of course) yet they have the audacity to ask you (read force you) to watch commercials between rounds “to help keep the game free”. Really?! Really? Ungh. In the rare instance where I stick with a FB game for a while, I will often find myself playing said games for HOURS on end. One need only look at the frequency of my posts here for evidence. My frequency of posts resembles something in the super long wave form range. I’m the kind of poster that kills cows from half a world away … in a mixed metaphor meets bad science kind of way. And by bad science I mean I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Probably my favorite worst-aspect of Facebook is that through status updates and comments you inevitably learn horrible things about many people you love. You will learn which of your loved one has horrible spelling and/or grammar, “OMG! Your not going to beleev dis. I juz finds out that Titanic moovy wuz real!” I don’t think I can can create a bad enough good example, or is it good enough bad example? Anyway, just read more posts here and I’m sure you’ll find several.
As my previous example demonstrates you will learn which of your loved ones is an idiot. I’m sure some people who’ve found out that the Titanic was a real ship that sank then infer that Jack and Rose were also real people. They weren’t by the way. I looked it up using my very helpful link above.
You will definitely find out which of your friends and family are Grammar Nazis. Yes, I cannot spell very well. Yes, I used the wrong version of “its”. Yes, I know I very likely misused a comma. Or hyphen. Or colon. Yes, I know all of those are fragments. Yes, I know I always, always, always misuse the ellipsis. I know this all. It is known. Grammar Nazis don’t care about your learning disability, your propensity toward making typos, your creative use of language or punctuation, or your incredibly low IQ. Generally they just want to show the rest of the world how superior they are by pointing out every mistake and error on your (not you’re!) part. Yes, I also know I just complained about people with bad grammar AND Grammar Nazis. This is my blog. If you want to complain, get your (not you’re!) own blog and yell at the world from there. You’ll probably get twice as many readers as me without even trying too hard.
My penultimate least favorite type of status update or comment is one that requires some sort of context to understand what is written, yet none is given. Hell, I’m certain no context usually exists outside of the brain pan of the poster. (Remind me sometime to tell you the story of the Most IN in-joke ever). A good example might be, “He better not!” He? He who? Better not? Better not what? I don’t know if I need to come to your aid, start hating someone with you, or watch whatever TV show you’re watching because it sounds freaking awesome! Come on people, CONTEXT! Geesh.
Finally you will absolutely find out which of your friends are political or religious zealots. I’m not against a little debate, nor am I against a little evangelical advertisement. It’s all good baby. What I am incredibly annoyed by is the “us vs them” mentality that FB just seems to BEG people to demonstrate. Oh! You say I’m a bad person and/or going to Hell because I don’t support this agenda or believe that religious dogma? P!ss off P!sser! (See by replacing the i’s with !’s I changed curse words into a confusing mix of characters yet I get the point across. Yes I know I’m brilliant like that). Personally I’m a “it takes all kinds” kinda guy. That mentality includes the jerks as well. If you point out that the “us vs them” crowd should be included as the jerks in my “inclusive mentality” … well … pffffftttttfffftttt! (Imagine me blowing raspberries at you with my tongue stuck WAY out. And there’s a lot of spit too). I guess you can just stop reading this post!
© 2013, Joe Little. All rights reserved.