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Dear Mr. Upper Arm, Screw You. Love Joe

So for some reason I was under the impression that the more you exercise the better you felt. Isn’t that what skinny a$$holes have been telling me all my life? Well in case you didn’t know the answer is yes, they are a$$holes. OH! and they said those things too. They also said stuff like “you’ll lose weight” and “your sex drive will be better than ever”. Well I’ve got to let you know that I’ve GAINED weight and I remember what it was like being a 17 year old boy, and I ain’t there!

On top of all the lies, I hurt. Yeah as I’ve detailed in my now famous post Shins Are For The Weak, exercise hurts. But it was supposed to get better. I do BREATH a lot better I admit, BUT I WASN’T HAVING TROUBLE BREATHING!!! So as I write this you probably surmised that I’m naked, well fed, ignoring my wife’s advances, and sore from the knees down, but what you probably don’t know (and stop looking through my windows it you do) … (you bum-looker) is that I can’t raise my right arm over my chest! It just keeps getting better.

If there is a moral to my tale it is this: the people who extol the virtues of exercise are dirty liars! You know who don’t lie? People who say video games and beer is fun! Those guys rule! And I’d be one right now if I could raise the damned bottle up to my lips.

Well I’m off to bed. Maybe the wife will let me sleep.

© 2010, Joe Little. All rights reserved.

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