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New Year’s Resolutions

New Year’s Resolutions (NYRs), I don’t make them. I resolved, fifteen or twenty years ago to make no more NYRs, and I’ve kept up with that single resolution ever since. I’ve had a pretty good run.

Why don’t I make NYR? The list is long, and I’ll probably forget many of them. If I had to choose a single reason why I no longer make NYRs (other than I’m lazy), is this; New Year’s Resolutions fail. Almost every time.

I don’t like being a failure, and I don’t like feeling like a failure early in the year when most resolutions putter out and fail. I mean damn, who wants to realize mid-February that just as ole St. Valentine comes a knocking, you’re off the wagon once again? What kind of unnecessary, and undeserved stigma does that put on Valentine’s Day? The day already has a ton of stigma all on its own. Leave Valentines day alone.

Maybe mid-February isn’t your failure point. Maybe it’s mid April. I think that’s why so many people get depressed when it rains. Did you know that April is the month with the highest number of suicides? No? Well that’s probably because I just made that statistic up for the sake of this post. I have no idea what month is the worst because I’m too lazy to do that Google search.

Maybe your failure point is early January. Yeah, we’ve all been there a few times. Gym membership purchased and new work out clothes laundered … and man it’s just too cold to get out all of a sudden. Granted we’re having the warmest January in a decade or more, but who saw that coming? Stupid weather getting in the way of our conveniently planned excuses. Well that’s not stopping me! It’s too cold! I had that planned, and I’m still using it, damn it!

If you fail your resolutions past July, fuck you. I mean really? You made it that far and then you fumble the ball? You had a solid trend going, a habit even, and you screwed it up because what? You had a bad day at the office? Bah! We First Monthers can’t stand the sight of you. Get over yourselves.

If you fail your resolutions in November or December, that’s just stupid. Unless of course what you are doing is setting yourself up for a renewal of the same resolution for the next year in which case you’re just a liar. Either way you are stupid or pathetic. Or both. Yeah both. First Quarter failures around the globe look to you in disgust.

There I said it. You now know why everyone hates you.

You’re welcome.

So yeah. As you can see from all that judgmental shit people throw around, I’d really rather not be the target of such slander and vitriol. So no more NYRs for me.

I do make resolutions on my birthday however. A new year of life should bring with it a new set of goals. There’s nothing there to be worried about. Now the fact that my birthday is 4 days before New Years day … well that’s coincidence and nothing more.

Editor’s Note:This post is the first to have with it an audio component. Listen to Joe read the entire post in his voice with very few errors, because we edited them out. If you find any errors – except for that one we know about already – please let us know so that we can fire the Editorial Staff. Wait, that’s me. Ok. Don’t tell us after all. It’s better that way.

© 2017, Joe Little. All rights reserved.