I recently watched The Woman in Black, and that fricken movie was fricken creepy. Elements of the film really set off the creepiness, and it inspired me to compile a list of things that I find creepy.
1) Dolls with teeth. Who thought this was ever a good idea? This was in the film so maybe it was a British thing. Supposedly the British don’t have good teeth so maybe they created dolls with teeth as sort of a fantasy play thing. “Mumsy, why are Ms. Peabody’s teeth all nice and straight yet mine are all crooked?” “Because Ms. Peabody was a perfect child and you ask stupid questions”. Yeah I can see that. Frankly though I find teeth in general kinda creepy, especially a handful of perfectly good teeth with no mouth to put them in just lying around like someone got bored and just started yanking them out. Maybe that should have been my number two. But back to dolls with teeth. Why? Stop it.
2) Mirrors. Reflective surfaces in general are pretty creepy. Anytime you look into a reflective surface you assume that what you see is exactly as the world appears, but it isn’t. The image is flipped on the vertical axis. I think most people assume that the mirror displays exactly what other see, but it doesn’t and that is why you should let other people dress you and apply your makeup. They see you the same way the rest of the world sees you, so that and frankly because you have horrible taste in everything so just give it up already. What really makes reflective surfaces creepy though is we fear what we cannot see, and we cannot see what is behind us. Reflective surfaces remind us that there’s a whole portion of the world that we don’t see. And what if we see in the reflective surface something we didn’t know was there? Or what if maybe we see something that we “know” isn’t there but we still see it? Yeah, THAT possibility is REALLY creepy.
3) Dead people. This is probably a given, but dead people creep me out. The stage of dead that really freaks me out is the whole been dead just long enough that you know they are dead with their blotched yellowing complexion and staring milky eyes. Granted the only dead people I have seen were properly prepared for internment, but the ones in the movies or television shows that look like that creep me out a little. Not as much as some of the other things on this list because I know those images are almost always fake and the likelihood of me encountering them is small. Still ew.
4) Peep holes. I always think of this when I use the peephole in my front door. Every time I use the peephole I expect one of two things, either 1) someone is holding a gun to the peep hole and will pull the trigger when I look (damn movies), or 2) someone else’s eye will be looking back through the hole. A dead person’s ghost eye. Oh and there’s always the possibility that you look, see nothing, and just as you begin to look away, something horrible shifts into sight. Aw man. I think I have to go lock myself in the bathroom for a little bit. At least until the toilet starts bubbling. Which leads me to …
5) Black or dirty water coming out of faucets. This one isn’t as hard core as the ones before but it makes for a really good lead up to something worse, like a hand reaching up through the pooled water (it isn’t deep enough for a full person!) to grab the victim and pull them through the drain (that isn’t even humanly possible!). There are a lot of possible creepy encounters that can start with a simple set of dirty pipes. Those pipes are probably filled with evil because you have a …
6) Basement. Several things going on here but mostly these things are dark holes in the ground which means slightly closer to Hell and death. Bad things are ALWAYS in the basement. Supposedly ghosts like Attics, but everything else AND some ghosts like basements. You NEVER hear of an angel coming up through the floor from the basement to protect a family and slay the evil anything. That’s because basements are ALWAYS bad. Basements come with at least three significant flaws. The first significant flaw is the non boxed stairs, you know the kind where something can hide underneath and then when you get about halfway down it can reach through the stairs to grab your feet and cause you to fall and break your neck? Yeah that kind of stairs, and you ONLY see them in basements. If you are going to have a basement don’t put in those kinds of stairs, but since you are the kind of person to make the really bad call of adding in the gateway to First Level of Hell in your own home, you’re probably the kind of person to make the really bad call on the types of stairs to descend into it. The second significant flaw is horrible lighting with the switch at the top of the stairs only OR the only light is an unshielded light bulb hanging by a cord in the middle of the room that can only be turned on by pulling the chain hanging from it. What are you thinking? That you’ll be able to use that flashlight you keep at the top of the stairs? The one you never change the batteries in? The one that inevitably will fail on you two steps before the thing under the stairs can grab your foot causing you to fall and break your hip so you can no longer reach up and pull the chain to light the room???? Bad idea dumbass. The third significant flaw is that people put the fuse box in the basement. What are you thinking? First you build a portal to Hell and then you place the fuse box there? So if something manages to get into your basement, say from Hell, and it wants to lure you down, all it has to do is loosen a fuse or flip the master breaker and then you and your family are demon chow thanks to your six year old flashlight batteries and poor planning skills. Congrats. You deserve it.
Ok. I am going to take a break now to regain some sanity. I have to go check to see why the telephone continues to ring. I swore I canceled the service and unplugged the thing. (Yeah I know, like anyone has a land line anymore – just go with it).
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