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Planet Earth Hates You

The planet Earth hates you. I don’t care how much you’d like to think otherwise, but the evidence is quite clear. From the moment you are born one “natural” thing or another tries to kill you, and so far, given enough time, the planet always wins. Always.

The evidence is all around. Storms continuously try to blow you off the face of the planet, flood you into it’s ocean basins, or occasionally obliterate you with white hot fire in the form of lightning. If the storms themselves can’t do it then the planet holds back the weather and dries you out, or the planet makes it way too hot, or the planet makes it way too cold. She’s a crafty bitch, and you are going to die. Assuming you aren’t killed by inclement weather she goes to Plan B, animals.

Animals are all around you every day. There are the obvious ones to kill you: big cats, wolves, sharks, snakes and spiders. The not so obvious ones jump out in front of your car in the middle of the night, they are the ones to which you are allergic and yet demand attention, and they are the ones that break your neck silently in the woods far away from help. (FYI I refer to owls. Statistically 2 people a year are killed calling owls. The owls fly down completely silent, and inevitably strike the head of the calling person breaking his or her neck. Another FYI, that’s ONE! more person a year, statistically, than is killed from wolves).  Animals are deadly but if they won’t get you “natural causes” will.

There is more biomass of critters that carry disease, bacteria, and viruses than anything else on the planet. I so totally did not just make that “fact” up either! This combination of deadlies is perhaps the pinnacle of Earth’s ways to kill you. Most people die from some “natural cause” and by natural they mean disease, bacteria, or viruses. The scientific community has simply recognized the planet’s supremacy because they know we can do nothing about the situation. Here some might say “yet”, but I’m pretty certain that the correct ending is simply a period. There are simply FAR too many ways for Earth to get you this way, and every time – EVERY TIME – we seem to get close to fixing just one of these killing methodologies, the planet Earth seems to find three more new ways to kill us. Look at the common cold. Modern science has yet to destroy this virus, but while we’ve manage to mitigate the threat of the common cold, we haven’t been able to beat it. Meantime the planet has come up with numerous other ways to take us out. Joy.

Now here some might interject some silly fallacy like, “The planet provides food and water for us” or “We are all a part of nature” or “The planet will be good to us if only we are good to the planet”. Hogwash! These leftist, pinko ideals are all precisely the reasons the planet hates us. What would you do to some insect that infested your skin, drank your blood, and craped all over you? Yeah that’s right, you’d kill it too. Luckily the leftist pinko hippies get it every bit as much as the rest of us.

© 2010, Joe Little. All rights reserved.